the road not taken.

so once again.
ive spent my day wasting the clock.
waiting for five.
i know i always said i want to do nothing but sit there and look pretty, and get paid for it.
but its really not all its cut out to be.
i dont even look that pretty today.
lately my wardrobe has been rather depressing me.
everything i own is lp circa 1999/2000.
vintage me isnt as wonderful as i thought.
i dont feel sexy in my clothes.
im starting to think people look at me like i look at those girls.
those who wear jean that are to small and shirt that are too big.
i feel awkward.
if only i could find the time.
and the effort to shop.

last night on the way home from class.
he asked me if i wanted to go out on a date.
once or twice a week we used to
go out to dinner a movie, something fun.
just us.
this hasnt happened for a while.
and as much as i love this man.
and as much as i know we need time.
i hesitated to say yes.
its not that i dont want to go out with him.
its just lately he hasnt been very appealing to me.
later that night.
as we got ready for bed
instead of making nice, lulling conversation
he proceeded to bombard me with all the things i do wrong.
listing this long list of things about me that apparently he finds unreasonable.
and like he has for the past month or so.
he tells me im to sensitive.
and that i lie to him about how i really feel.
and that i am spoiled and childish and stupid.
then he moves on to ask me why we weren't having sex.
i rolled over and almost vomited on my pillow.
i hated him.
and my hatred was deep.
i laid in bed awake thinking about this for a long time.
thinking about this man.
laying beside me.
horny and pompous.
i think about why they broke up.
and if this is how it started to end.
i see myself single and happy.
and i see myself miserable with him.
and then i love him.
and i think this is what it takes.
this is it.
and i finally settle on the fact that
im settling
for this.
for him.
a Taurus.
a stable relationship.
giving it all away.
for someone who will put up with my shit.
sometimes i think back.
almost two years.
i remember that first night.
walking down the cold richmond street.
nervous and eager.
i remember
i almost reached for my phone
i almost flaked.
i was gonna tell him
"i dont feel well"
"i got caught up"
"another night"
but instead i went.
and now im here.
im here and happy and unhappy.
content and displaced.
full and hungry for something else.
i just want this to be it.
i want to be done.
but for some reason i cant stop thinking.
two roads diverged in a yellow wood.
and i chose the one
with the ball and chain.