give and receive.

where to begin.
i have had quite the break.
nothing to amazing.
very calm actually.

me and the boy.
went to the burg for Christmas.
we took the back roads.
we listened to hot water music.
we watched the night fall behind the highway.
saw the blue rise from the skyline.



christmas.
was wonderful.
no stress.
ma familia.
was on their best behavior.
no fighting.
no crying.
no embarrassing moments.
perfect actually.

he carved the turkey.
he answered questions.
unwrapped presents.
nestled in between those seven hills.
he made his self at home.
in my hometown.


we made it back to the city.
and had our own Christmas.
we watched This Christmas.
and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.
we drank and cuddled.
and fella sleep under the tree.
woke up to presents, and laughter.
and just us.

his family came down yesterday.
his father.
sister.
brother in law.
and nephew.
and we had Christmas again.

they are wonderful people.
they have such big hearts.
and good souls.
and they make me feel like.
i want to be a part of that.
of them.
of this.

they are real people.
and i love them.

in the shadow of the season.
i cant seem to remember.
my gifts.
and what i gave.

what lingers with me is the feeling.
the words.
the smiles.
and despite all my regression.
all the tensions.
and the denial.

ive realized what its all about.
its about.
love.
and loving someone elses life.
more than your own.
its about shutting the fuck up.
and making it work.

the grass may be greener.
but i bet it doesnt feel this good.

sometimes.
i lay awake.
and think about.
all the stupid shit i do.
and how i have so much.
thats so good.
that so many people long for.
to be loved as hard i am.
to treated the way i am.
to be fucked the way that i am.

and i take all of this for granted.
the love.
the life.
the sex.

oh.
the things i do to the people i love.
shouldnt be allowed.

but they love me.
despite my idiocy.
despite my selfishness.
despite my lust.

i am loved.
and im am trying not to fuck it up.