i dont want to grow up. im a toys r us kid.

back on my grind today.
after spending all of yesterday.
lounging around the apartments.
sniffling and sulking.
i did get to watch Dr. Phil.
which always makes me happy.
im at about 70% today.
but im here.
doing what i do.
trying to smile through the sore throat.

my life is starting to really frustrate me.
it just seems like i have something.
and then i dont.
or as soon as i get ahead.
i get shoved back.
and even though i feel this way everyday.
it seems like i have to talk about it.
to keep my head from exploding.

ive been doing relationship stuff.
like paying for his car to get fixed.
and organizing the bills.
it makes me feel old.
as shit.
and how much i envy the lives.
of my vampire friends.
who are so detached.
i remember the days when i could care less about sleep.
and now it seems like thats all i want to do.
there are nights ive chosen sleep over sex.
and i love sex.

i dont know what has come over me.
i thought with a new age.
id find new things about myself.
new things that would make me a new person.
but instead it seems like its new responsibilities.
and new trials and tribulations.
new reasons to complain.

his mother is coming this weekend.
and i love her.
she is very sweet.
and very kind.
and very foreign.
and he loves her so much.
which is nice to see him so happy.
i met her for the first time.
this time last year.
i went home with him for Thanksgiving.
which was awesome.
his family is great.
alot like mine.
laid back.
and fun.

but for this year.
im going to the Burg.
as ive gotten older i appreciate.
Lynchburg more and more.
now i use it as an escape.
its like i can go there .
and be free of everything.
and everyone.
and no body knows im there.
and nobody can find me.

exactly where i want to be.
and its warm.
and there's my family.
and they love me.
just the same.

i cant wait.

i honestly thought about not going.
and just staying home.
and keeping to myself.
cooking a lil dinner.
hanging with the dogs.
in solitude.
but then.
i thought about the fact.
that im sure.
mid way into a Full House marathon.
with a face full of over cooked turkey.
id burst into tears.
and sob all over my cranberry sauce.
i am way to emotional to spend the holidays alone.

when it comes to christmas.
im hoping he will come with me.
even though it seems like.
the only gifts we are giving each other.
is a head ache.
and maybe on some occasions some head.
speaking of head.
i dont understand.
what has become of my libido.
there are days in my life.
where all i think about it cock.
thats all.
it doesnt matter what kind it is.
what shape color size.
i just want it.
and i come home.
and its there.
and thats great.
and then there are those days.
when i would touch it with a ten foot pole.
and i come home.
and its there.
and that sucks.
and then there are the days in between.
where ive chosen to wack off.
instead of get off.
or the days were ill give a hj here.
a bj there.
and call it quits.

i have no problem with bjs.
or hjs.
i think its a vital part of any relationship.
Kat William said so.
but i just want to want to have sex.
like i used to.
and its not that im not attracted to him.
he fucking gorgoues.
incredibally sexy.
and has the hands of a god.
i still feel like the urge.
the need.
that raw.
i want to rip your clothes off.
and lick every inch of your body.
emotion is hit or miss.
i just want him to fuck me.
simple as that.
no romance.
none of that sissy ass bullshit.
just fucking fuck me.

all i want for christmas is to cum.