consequences and repercussions.

sometimes i do things.
like right now.
im about to do something
i know in a few weeks
im going to regret.
but i live today.
and im going to do this.
and regardless of the consequences and repercussions.

i have been known to make choices.
that arent exactly well thought out.
but this one i feel like is
the best way
out of a bad situation.
and i guess we shall see.


last weekend.
we went out to dinner
with my married friends.
it was a rare occasion
to have him out as well.
he was quiet.
bored of sorts.
there are times where i feel like
i over power us.
i stand out he blends in.
im big hes small.
im loud hes not.
you get the picture.
the dinner was lovely.
and we laughed and sipped wine.
and ate hibachi and yum yum sauce.
and then went home
and were glad we werent married.
or trying to hard.

sunday.
by far the best day out recent accounts.
i spent the morning baking and cleaning.
and riding my bike back and forth from the store.
eventually.
my home was filled with boys.
hooping and hollering.
and clapping and eating and drinking.
Redskins win.
i am asleep.
after half time i slipped into
a wings/weed/Stella coma.
but i was awaken by light kisses on my cheek
and a whisper of thank yous and i love yous.
still debating if it was a dream
i smiled in my sleep.

oh but.
yes.
then there is him.
him whom i see in my dreams.
he who i spend my days.
wondering for searching about.
waiting.
silently.
questioning everything.
are you there?
is this it?
do you know?
something's brewing.
and here i am.
im steady stirring the pot.
and im worried that this time.
it just might boil over.

but still.
despite my lack of
rational decisions making
and self control
my lust and arrogance.

lately things have been normal.
moderate.
matter of fact.
although i feel like if i go through with it.
things could either take a turn for the better.
or the worst.




oh well.
we shall see.

WHY AM I WASTING MY TIME WITH YOU?
WHY AM I MISERABLE EVERYDAY?
FUCK THIS.
FUCK YOU.

I.

WANT.

OUT.

i am

going to fucking kill this paper.
and i got and 90 on my math test.
holla.

and then some.

i remember when we first hung out.
i walked from my apartment.
and almost turned around twice.
you lived farther than i thought.
you waited for me
with your roommate on your porch.
black hoodie.
camo hat.
yes.
i remember you hugged me
and it felt like we were kissing.
ha.
oh yeah.
remember how.
you smoked weed to impress me.
and i didnt to impress you.
you were sweet and funny.
i was pretty and slutty.
we watched the hills have eyes.
and you smiled the whole time.
you were stoned.
and i pretended to be scared.
and you laughed and we talked about rap.
your dogs.
your room.
you kissed me first
and i was surprised.
you tasted like cheetos.
before we knew it.
its was 2 am.
i tried to go home.
and you said stay the night.
you promised you wouldnt try to do me.
and you didnt.
thanks.
and your right.
its true.
i was in love with you after day one.
because you got it like that.
and as much as i try to fight it.
you still do.

a woman obsessed.

this is serious.
i have to
must.
for the sake of my future.
stop spending money.
i have an addiction.
to the swipe and go.
i dont understand what my problem is.
he says all women have money issues.
and as far as this woman goes.
i think its true.
the way i rationalize it in my head.
is .
that i finally have the means.
so why not use them?
but.
i am unnecessary.
ive got to get a grip on shit.
but.
its so hard.
when you sit at a fucking desk all day.
and you have nothing to do.
but skim the worldwideweb for amazing things.
and yes, i could study.
or read a book.
or anything else.
but i dont.
i am a women obsessed.
and.
everytime it comes up.
all i can think about is.
all the many things i need.
like a new mattress .
and a dresser.
and so many things i want.
like a new sewing machine.
and cute boots with matching sweater vest.
and a fucking goddamn holga.
and sooo many things i have to do.
like pay rent.
and pay bills.
and save money.
and be a responsible adult.
but my priorities are crooked as a politician.
and i cant quite seem to straighten them out.

because a periods more than a pain.

i just cant quite put my finger on it.
im not sure if its friday.
or today.
or my period.
or what.
but somethings just not right in here.
questions questions questions.

this weekend.
was rough.
well friday.
was rough.

saturday .
was nothing.
i watched trading spouses for almost 12 hours.

sunday.
was better.
redskins.
and.

he made me feel better.
about everything.
everyday.
something.
the way he looked at me.
the things he said.
simple touches glaces sleight of hands.
this weekend he loved smart.

i know what it is.
i need to go to the gym.
i need to run until my legs fall off.
i need to push all of this hostility
out under my feet into the ground.
i need to fucking sweat.
my skin feels tight.
swollen.
i feel like two in one.
and gross.

i cant wait for this part of me to be over.
finally.
this whole kit and kabootle.
out the window.
fresh fresh fresh.
its all i want.
i dream it every night.
its all i want.
i just want change.

i have to come to the realization
that i am not who i want to be.
i have to fix this.
this girl who thinks she know what she wants.
this girl who let her self go.
this girl with out a fucking clue.
and i have to be me for us
and not them.
or him.
but.
who am I if I'm alone?
I hardly exist at all.

let's pretend .
that we don't need anything.
anymore from anyone.
I don't want to feel anything
anymore let's just pretend,

we'll live happily ever after.

the game chose me.

"You discover something early today that feels like a big find
-- so investigate further!
It's one of those days when you might just find
that the game has changed on you
in a really neat way!"

preach on sista girl.

so.
i am a firm believer in.
horoscopes, astrology, mythology,
all things the occult.
and 8 times outta ten.
when the stars tell me something.
i take heed.
as crazy as my life is can will be.
the one thing that guides me is the stars.
as stupid as that sounds.
so when they tell me that
shits about to flip.
in a good way.
i can only smile.
so far today.
they have gotten it all right.
i have found the new favorite toy.
(see below)
to me it is a big find.
and quite neat too.
so far so good.

as far as last night goes.
not even the stars say this coming.
wednesday night
before not having sex.
once again.
we talked about why we werent having sex.

i say you treat me like a slut.
he says i wouldn't if i didn't act like such a prude.
i say your always at the gym.
he says im always on my phone.
i say you dont romance me.
he says you never needed it before.
i say its unattractive when you beg.
he says what happened to the girl who just wanted to get fucked.
i say she got fucked.
goodnite.

so last night
on the ride home from school
he played Jodeci.
we get home and there is dinner.
i shower.
we eat.
we lay and watch Ransom.
and we agree that
Sergent Martin Riggs would never let.
Lieutenant Dan kidnap is son.
and we laugh.
as we get ready for bed we brush.
our teeth at the same sink.
we spit at the same time.
we smile minty, bubbly grins.
we kiss.
turn off the lights.
but tonite.
he lays closer than normal.
his body warmer than usual.
he kisses me on my shoulder.
i love you too.

and then that boy.
who aint to proud to beg.
and this girl.
whos a slut in prudes clothing.
finally.
agree to disagree.
and make like nike.
and just do it.

my new favorite weapon.

aim.
point.
click.





watch and discuss.

It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day.

so this morning.
i get to work.
im at work.
and im just
you know
doin the things in my job description.
eating breakfast.
watering the plants.
checking my email profusely.
lallygagging on the internet.
making coffee.
well attempting to make coffee.
i got the water.
put the filter and the grounds in the basket.
placed it back on the coffee maker.
pressed the button.
and walked away.
time elapses.
my boss goes to get her coffee.
and for some reason there is none brewing.
we stand back, scratch our heads.
and curse Hamilton Beach ™
that is until we realize.
i haven't put the water in.
we laugh and say she says
"oh everyone has those mornings"
i laugh, she laughs, i make the damn coffee.

now things like this
don't happen to me often.
and by often i mean more than 5 times a week.
but when they do
i cant help but think
its all because i smoke weed.
although i dont smoke anywhere close to as much as i used to.

my relationship with mary jane is a true one.
she has been the closest person to me for years.
we used to do everything together.
wake up.
munch out.
we'd watch Cartoon Network
and LOST
and msnbc
and laugh about how angry
Keith Olbermann gets a republicans.
silly keith.
we'd play with the dogs .
and nap.
and go to bars.
and sleep in late.

me and mary were like two buds in a blunt.
although recently .
ive cut back to only taking rips on the weekends
instead of getting blasted
all day.
everyday.
and i can admit that even though
food doesn't taste as good.
and keith isnt as funny.
my head does feel much cleaner.
clearer.

so i guess
i cant directly relate all my fuck ups
and foibles to being roasted.
but.
still it makes me wonder.
if this is my brain now
today
sober.
then what was so wrong with
my brain on drugs?

why you frontin when you know you really want it.

lately.
things.
have been moderately normal.
the day to day drudgery.
but something has changed.
ive made friends.
which is all too foreign to me.
ive realized.
as far as close friends,
i have a few.
many of my friends
at no fault but my own.
have fallen to the wayside.
they are out enjoying their lives.
learning new things.
smiling.
talking loudly in crowd of people.
sling glass after glass.
round and round.
and i see them from time to time.
and its always.
"where have you been"
"we miss you"
and for that night we are best friends again.
and we laugh and reminisce and talk about being adults.
and then when its over.
we hug and promise to " do this more"
we stumble back to our part of the world.
and that is it.
and then my married friend.
who i consider one of the best.
for some reason we just cant quite get it together.
we go through phase where we are inseparable.
and then we dont speak for weeks.
when i think about this it hurts.
and yet.
i make no effort to rectify.
adn then my best friend.
who i have seen at least once a week for at least ten years.
for some reason our bond remains strong.
we have held on and grown together.
and still manage to make shit happen.
this in itself amazes the balls off me.
and then my new friends.
who i meet every day.
i sit beside them on the bus.
in class.
these people who i am introduced through him.
these folks who go on nothing but face value.
who feel obligated to make conversation.
and find it worth their while.
those who laugh at my jokes.
and dont even know my last name.
i consider them to be my friends.
as rare as it is.
i find it so hard to open my life up to others.
i am to selfish to give my time away to someone else.
i feel responsible for my loneliness.
my jadedness.
my own social demise.
i feel like i have so much to share and offer and give and learn.
im just waiting for my fear to give way to my want
for others to help me enjoy myself.

the road not taken.

so once again.
ive spent my day wasting the clock.
waiting for five.
i know i always said i want to do nothing but sit there and look pretty, and get paid for it.
but its really not all its cut out to be.
i dont even look that pretty today.
lately my wardrobe has been rather depressing me.
everything i own is lp circa 1999/2000.
vintage me isnt as wonderful as i thought.
i dont feel sexy in my clothes.
im starting to think people look at me like i look at those girls.
those who wear jean that are to small and shirt that are too big.
i feel awkward.
if only i could find the time.
and the effort to shop.

last night on the way home from class.
he asked me if i wanted to go out on a date.
once or twice a week we used to
go out to dinner a movie, something fun.
just us.
this hasnt happened for a while.
and as much as i love this man.
and as much as i know we need time.
i hesitated to say yes.
its not that i dont want to go out with him.
its just lately he hasnt been very appealing to me.
later that night.
as we got ready for bed
instead of making nice, lulling conversation
he proceeded to bombard me with all the things i do wrong.
listing this long list of things about me that apparently he finds unreasonable.
and like he has for the past month or so.
he tells me im to sensitive.
and that i lie to him about how i really feel.
and that i am spoiled and childish and stupid.
then he moves on to ask me why we weren't having sex.
i rolled over and almost vomited on my pillow.
i hated him.
and my hatred was deep.
i laid in bed awake thinking about this for a long time.
thinking about this man.
laying beside me.
horny and pompous.
i think about why they broke up.
and if this is how it started to end.
i see myself single and happy.
and i see myself miserable with him.
and then i love him.
and i think this is what it takes.
this is it.
and i finally settle on the fact that
im settling
for this.
for him.
a Taurus.
a stable relationship.
giving it all away.
for someone who will put up with my shit.
sometimes i think back.
almost two years.
i remember that first night.
walking down the cold richmond street.
nervous and eager.
i remember
i almost reached for my phone
i almost flaked.
i was gonna tell him
"i dont feel well"
"i got caught up"
"another night"
but instead i went.
and now im here.
im here and happy and unhappy.
content and displaced.
full and hungry for something else.
i just want this to be it.
i want to be done.
but for some reason i cant stop thinking.
two roads diverged in a yellow wood.
and i chose the one
with the ball and chain.

poison.

"Ecstasy, coke - you say it's love, it is poison
Schools where I learned they should be burned, it is poison
Physicians prescriptin us medicine - which is poison
Doctors injectin our infants - with the poison


Religion misoverstood is poison
Niggaz up in my hood be gettin shot - given poison
In hospitals, shots riddle the block
Little, children and elderly women run for they lives
Drizzlin rain come out the sky every time somebody dies
Must be out my fuckin mind, what is this, the hundreth time?
Sendin flowers to funerals, readin rest in peace
You know the usual, death comes in threes
Life is short is what some nigga said
Not if you measure life - by how one lives and what he did
And funny how these black killer companies is makin money off us
Fast food, cola, soda, Skull & Bone crosses, it's all poison


Religion misoverstood is poison
Sisters up in my hood try to do good given choices
When pregnant, drop out of school or have abortions
Stop workin hopin that they find a man that will support them
Up late night, on they mother's cordless
Thinkin a perm or bleach and cream will make them better when they gorgeous
White girls tannin, lyposuction
Fake titties are implanted, fake lips that's life destruction
Light-skinned women, bi-racial hateful toward themselves
Denyin even they blood
I don't judge Tiger Woods but I, overstand the mental poison
That's even worser than drugs - yo it's poison


Religion misoverstood is poison
Radio and TV poison, white Jesus poison
And any thoughts of takin me down is poison
Who want beef now, my heat shall annoint them, plaow


Never to worry
All the wrong doers got it coming back to 'em a thousand times over
Every dog has it's day, and everything flips around
Even the most greatest nation in the world has it comin back to 'em
Everybody reaps what they sews, that's how it goes
Innocent lives will be taken, it may get worse but we'll get through it
Y'all, be strong


The China-men built the railroad, the Indians saved the Pilgrim
And in return the Pilgrim killed 'em
They call it it Thanksgiving, I call your holiday hell-day
Cause I'm from poverty, neglected by the wealthy
Me and my niggaz share gifts, e'ryday like Christmas
Slay bitches, and party e'ryday like this is the last
I'm with my heckles, connectin and we hittin the lab
This is my level, fuck if it get you mad
It's all poison, all of my words to enemies it is poison
Rappers only talk about ki's, it's all poison
How could you call yourself MC's? You ain't poison
Think about the kids you mislead, with the poison
And any thoughts of taking me down is all poison
Who want beef now, my heat shall annoint them, plaow


What goes around comes around my nigga
And what goes up it must come down my nigga
The soldiers found below the ground my nigga
Just hold it down we older now my nigga
What goes around comes around my nigga
And what goes up it must come down my nigga
The soldiers found below the ground my nigga
Just hold it down we older now my nigga


This nigga Ike with the Iverson jersey, light-skinned with herpes
Fuckin sisters in Harlem, Brooklyn and D.C.
This is the problem cause he never tell 'em he got it
from lettin fags suck him off, Rikers Island in nine-three
Drives a Benz, hangs at all the parties, all the concerts
Backstage where the stars be, rockin they shirts
in bitches faces like clockwork - what's your name, where you from?
Chain blingin, thinkin girls everywhere is dumb
Takin pride in ruinin they lives
So they could never have babies, and they could never be wives
He never used a condom, give him head he got ya
Met the wrong bitch and now he dead from the monster AIDS
I contemplate, believin in karma
Those on top could just break, and won't be eatin tomorrow
I know some bitches who be sleepin on niggaz dreams, they leave
When that nigga blow, she the first bitch on her knees
Knowin dudes that's neglectin they seeds
Instead of takin care of 'em they spendin money on trees
I pray for you, deadbeat daddies
Cause when them kids get grown it's too late for you
Now you old and you gettin shitted on
It's all scientific, mystic, you know the Earth and the stars
Don't hesitate to say you heard it from Nas
What is destined shall be
George Bush killer 'til George Bush kills me
Much blessings be healthy, remember


What goes around comes around my nigga
And what goes up it must come down my nigga
The soldiers found below the ground my nigga
Just hold it down we older now my nigga
What goes around comes around my nigga
And what goes up it must come down my nigga
The soldiers found below the ground my nigga
Just hold it down we older now my nigga"


---"What Goes Around" Nasir Jones.

america, fuck yeah.

so today i was feel a tad lackluster.
and i wasnt going to write anything in this overly advanced Casio Diary.
that is until i saw this:



i mean, he's just putting it out there.
good job matty.


and then i happened to find out that MIA is putting out a clothing line....
what?



yes. her music is fresh.
and yes she is the hott shit and so on and so forth.
but.
whats with the watermelon Mia?
and does AA already make those leggings?
and how do you think poor little south african blipsters are gonna afford a 75 dollar tee?
selling blood diamonds?
yikes.


last but not least,
it is september 11th and the only thing im gonna say is:

What's Al Qaida's favorite football team?
The New York Jets

Did you hear about American Airlines new deal?

They’ll fly you straight from the airport to the office.

Me: knock knock.

U: who's there?

Me: 9/11

U: 9/11 who?

Me: you said you'd never forget....

i know.. i know... but msnbc told me to do it.


oh yeah.
and my friends cousin Tatiania Moore is in the October Issue of HUSTLER mag.
shes pretty hot for an azn.
check it out.
if you can find it.
apparently the fact that is has full on vag penetration and cumshots means it can be sold at Barnes & Nobles, Borders,Books a Million, 7 eleven....
we searched all day yesterday
and finally found it at our local Arab run convenience store.
god bless em.

doin the cockroach.

im so angry.
today i am a ball of fury.
i am livid and frustrated and agro to the max.
last night he wouldnt stop the car.
so for the second night we've slept alone.
and for the first night.
i dreamt of him.
kissing him in public.
i woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
upset and slightly excited.
i could still smell his skin in my head.
and for a moment i felt ashamed.
and then.
just as fast.
it was gone.
and i was left with a weft of pleasure.
which turned to resentment then to shear bitterness.
all this shit.
everything.
i work for seems pointless.
i have exasperated all my reasonable resources to be positive.
and i have reached my limit.
sometimes.
somedays.
i want to scream at everyone.
i want to rip my skin off
just to prove to people that my blood is red.
and i am alive.
i am alive and i am angry.
ive got nothing to stand on but my pride.
i have become the pawn of someone elses emotions.
the response to others sentences.
i am a verb.
misused and misconstrued.
i am no longer, just me.
my identity has been absorbed by my want to be something.
someone elses, something.
his something.
and in the process.
down the road.
i have become cynical and jade toward the idea.
i am disgusted with the thought.
share a bed.
share a name.
why dont keep it simple and just
share the pain.
as far as i can tell.
its all down.
hell from here.
and there i am.
drowning in this fucking ocean.
with my mouth wide open.

heavens to ESTY.

i am usually not one to spend my days lurking the net for fashions i cant afford.
but today.
oh today.
i have found heaven in a mouse click.

this:


miss bruno you slay me.
i would wear this until it turns into part of my skin.
and for $268 bucks. it better.

and these...

$100 dollar sweater bangles.
that are not made of cashmere. and do not turn into real sweaters when soaked in water.
so besides the fact that they are amazingly adorable and are not made in Indonesia by 8 year old kids, i cant find a reason dole out the dough to own them.

*sigh*

and then, just when i had given up on over priced apparel.
she found me....



this lil lady has combined all my lesbian and Hayden Ashbury fantasies in one.
but no true the heart hippie would pay $120 to look this tie die.
peace nicfish.

my heart has also fallen pray to small trinkets that i can wear in my hair and on my neck.
things that make me look like i just stepped out of Hogwarts Academy into the streets of Johannesburg, South Africa. Like these fuckers...



god damnit!
why are clothes so expensive??
why do i need to so much for cotton and elastic and thread ?
why dont i get off my lazy ass, walk to my sewing machine and make everything i want?
i now realize.
after all this time of discussing my options in my head.
that i have to have these things or i will spontaneously combust.
i am going to whore my body, sell my soul, cast spells, kick, scream, cry, pray,rob, steal, fight, fuck or flea
until i have them all.

the iceman melteth.

moment of silence please.

damn global warming.
poor chucky.

evans your a dead man.

blowin up spots.

yikes.

weekends.
i still have heartburn from all pico i ate.
and my neck still hurts from throwing my head around to monster beats.
ouch.
weekend packed a shitload of nonsensical events.
hipster hangovers and makeout mudbusters.
that went down in 2 days/ 3 nights.
but i must admit.
who needs a floor.
when you have peoples egos to dance on.





tip tap.

long live the rage please.

JACK OFF - ALL TRADES.

i know there are alot of things i could be mad about.
But right now im kinda pissed about this:





Sooo...Im on the bus, chatting it up with my favorite BGFE ( best gay friend ever) and low and behold, the wonderful gentleman beside me decided now it a great time to relieve a little tension. This nutbag( pun intended) had his hands down his pants for a good 5-8 minutes, until i realized what he was doing, and loudly and abrasively started laughing and telling him how disgusting and lame he was for whacking in the back of the bus. He promptly rang the bell and made he way off the bus, as i continued to make sure he felt as dirt as he looked.
I am all for self pleasure, dont get me wrong, but when you are on the Number 1, in broad daylight, at like 5:30 in the afternoon, try to use a little self control, douche.

the n word.

for $600 bucks.
In 500 words or less....


I am an African American, I have been living in this country my entire life, it is the place I call home, and the place I call my land. As much as I would love to feel complete supportive and connected with this country, there are things that arise put a strain on my dedication, on my patriotism, you might say. My generation, has become extremely jaded, with the reign of Bush, the fear of terror, and the saving graces of Obama it seems we have forgotten the fact that we are the best of the next. This world is ours and the way we live in it and communicate through it is the most important part of it all.
This melting pot of a nation where not everyone speaks the same language, yet all of us understand why we are here. Everything is foreign, from our clothing to our “native” tongue, rooted from Latin mixed with the blood, sweat and tears of immigrants and slaves. With all the education thrown around, the internet lingo, cell phone slang, all the art and humanity and beauty behind the power of communication, the one question lingers, why even say it?
The way I see it is, we live in a time of great and many resources. The First Amendment gave us the freedom of speech, the freedom to say how we feel, using any context we so choose. We have the opportunities to stretch our minds and personalities beyond those of the eras before. Why use slave language to express the freedom we fought so hard to obtain. The fact that one word, with two syllables, has sparked such a great debate and uproar in the streets of history, I find baffling. It’s hard for me, an African American, living in the country my entire life, calling this place home, educated and guided by the trials and tribulations of the past, to find it at all reasonable or rational to restrict spoken language. Something that is more native to this Earth than I. Who are we to say that some persons are not allowed to use verbal communication to express themselves. Whether the idioms they choose make them look like an idiot, that’s up to them. I personally see myself as a pioneer of spoken words; I am one who is moving forward, because that’s the way things are going. I am investing myself in inventing new ways to call my best friend “brother” or to degrade someone less intelligent.
Technology is changing lifestyles every day. It’s bringing things in and pushing things out. Teaching us that the things we once knew aren’t the same today. We can learn a lot from this, the fact that we have to move forward, bring things in and push them out, changed. It cannot be out responsibility to make others appreciate the sovereignty this country provides. Regardless of race, gender or creed we as tenants of this Earth cannot invest anymore time in fighting for an old language, fighting to keep living in the past.