doin the cockroach.

im so angry.
today i am a ball of fury.
i am livid and frustrated and agro to the max.
last night he wouldnt stop the car.
so for the second night we've slept alone.
and for the first night.
i dreamt of him.
kissing him in public.
i woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
upset and slightly excited.
i could still smell his skin in my head.
and for a moment i felt ashamed.
and then.
just as fast.
it was gone.
and i was left with a weft of pleasure.
which turned to resentment then to shear bitterness.
all this shit.
everything.
i work for seems pointless.
i have exasperated all my reasonable resources to be positive.
and i have reached my limit.
sometimes.
somedays.
i want to scream at everyone.
i want to rip my skin off
just to prove to people that my blood is red.
and i am alive.
i am alive and i am angry.
ive got nothing to stand on but my pride.
i have become the pawn of someone elses emotions.
the response to others sentences.
i am a verb.
misused and misconstrued.
i am no longer, just me.
my identity has been absorbed by my want to be something.
someone elses, something.
his something.
and in the process.
down the road.
i have become cynical and jade toward the idea.
i am disgusted with the thought.
share a bed.
share a name.
why dont keep it simple and just
share the pain.
as far as i can tell.
its all down.
hell from here.
and there i am.
drowning in this fucking ocean.
with my mouth wide open.

its dark and hell is hot.

im paranoid.
nervous and on edge.
for some reason.
unbeknownst to me.
i keep feeling like something dreadful is about to happen.
i look towards the sky and see clouds.
behind me shadows.
people whisper and i know its about me.
last night as i was sleeping.
trying to force dreams into my head.
i do that.
i lay away.
i stare at him.
and i think up all this wonderful ideas.
small thoughts.
like tomorrow and the days ahead.
i pretend like we just met.
and this is the first time.
and im nervous and eager to please.
but then my mind fades from those pleasant illusions.
leading me down the road less traveled.
for obvious reasons.
goddamn.
i just want to relax.
i feel like ive got the voodoo.
under my skin.
i can feel it growing.
i see it manifesting its self in my daily routine.
that anger.
that fear.
and they all see it.
friends and strangers alike.
it in my hair.
on my face.
in my head.
under my feet.
in my bed.
the fear.
of what.
i cant find it.
ive searched the files and drawers of my life.
ive ransacked my history.
clean out my emotional attic.
and still.
it lingers.
it waits.
for no reason.
its there.
i live with this.
this night terror in day light.
this "something doesn't feel right."
out out damn spot.
and deeper it goes.
and it waits
until dark.