why you frontin when you know you really want it.

lately.
things.
have been moderately normal.
the day to day drudgery.
but something has changed.
ive made friends.
which is all too foreign to me.
ive realized.
as far as close friends,
i have a few.
many of my friends
at no fault but my own.
have fallen to the wayside.
they are out enjoying their lives.
learning new things.
smiling.
talking loudly in crowd of people.
sling glass after glass.
round and round.
and i see them from time to time.
and its always.
"where have you been"
"we miss you"
and for that night we are best friends again.
and we laugh and reminisce and talk about being adults.
and then when its over.
we hug and promise to " do this more"
we stumble back to our part of the world.
and that is it.
and then my married friend.
who i consider one of the best.
for some reason we just cant quite get it together.
we go through phase where we are inseparable.
and then we dont speak for weeks.
when i think about this it hurts.
and yet.
i make no effort to rectify.
adn then my best friend.
who i have seen at least once a week for at least ten years.
for some reason our bond remains strong.
we have held on and grown together.
and still manage to make shit happen.
this in itself amazes the balls off me.
and then my new friends.
who i meet every day.
i sit beside them on the bus.
in class.
these people who i am introduced through him.
these folks who go on nothing but face value.
who feel obligated to make conversation.
and find it worth their while.
those who laugh at my jokes.
and dont even know my last name.
i consider them to be my friends.
as rare as it is.
i find it so hard to open my life up to others.
i am to selfish to give my time away to someone else.
i feel responsible for my loneliness.
my jadedness.
my own social demise.
i feel like i have so much to share and offer and give and learn.
im just waiting for my fear to give way to my want
for others to help me enjoy myself.

doin the cockroach.

im so angry.
today i am a ball of fury.
i am livid and frustrated and agro to the max.
last night he wouldnt stop the car.
so for the second night we've slept alone.
and for the first night.
i dreamt of him.
kissing him in public.
i woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
upset and slightly excited.
i could still smell his skin in my head.
and for a moment i felt ashamed.
and then.
just as fast.
it was gone.
and i was left with a weft of pleasure.
which turned to resentment then to shear bitterness.
all this shit.
everything.
i work for seems pointless.
i have exasperated all my reasonable resources to be positive.
and i have reached my limit.
sometimes.
somedays.
i want to scream at everyone.
i want to rip my skin off
just to prove to people that my blood is red.
and i am alive.
i am alive and i am angry.
ive got nothing to stand on but my pride.
i have become the pawn of someone elses emotions.
the response to others sentences.
i am a verb.
misused and misconstrued.
i am no longer, just me.
my identity has been absorbed by my want to be something.
someone elses, something.
his something.
and in the process.
down the road.
i have become cynical and jade toward the idea.
i am disgusted with the thought.
share a bed.
share a name.
why dont keep it simple and just
share the pain.
as far as i can tell.
its all down.
hell from here.
and there i am.
drowning in this fucking ocean.
with my mouth wide open.

heavens to ESTY.

i am usually not one to spend my days lurking the net for fashions i cant afford.
but today.
oh today.
i have found heaven in a mouse click.

this:


miss bruno you slay me.
i would wear this until it turns into part of my skin.
and for $268 bucks. it better.

and these...

$100 dollar sweater bangles.
that are not made of cashmere. and do not turn into real sweaters when soaked in water.
so besides the fact that they are amazingly adorable and are not made in Indonesia by 8 year old kids, i cant find a reason dole out the dough to own them.

*sigh*

and then, just when i had given up on over priced apparel.
she found me....



this lil lady has combined all my lesbian and Hayden Ashbury fantasies in one.
but no true the heart hippie would pay $120 to look this tie die.
peace nicfish.

my heart has also fallen pray to small trinkets that i can wear in my hair and on my neck.
things that make me look like i just stepped out of Hogwarts Academy into the streets of Johannesburg, South Africa. Like these fuckers...



god damnit!
why are clothes so expensive??
why do i need to so much for cotton and elastic and thread ?
why dont i get off my lazy ass, walk to my sewing machine and make everything i want?
i now realize.
after all this time of discussing my options in my head.
that i have to have these things or i will spontaneously combust.
i am going to whore my body, sell my soul, cast spells, kick, scream, cry, pray,rob, steal, fight, fuck or flea
until i have them all.

baby momma drama

is it me?
am i crazy.
why is the new trend for women between 20-25
to get knocked up and locked up?
im in love,
yes.
but love for me doesnt equal
giz inside
new surprise.
is there something in the water.
its like everyone i know.
minus a few.
has given up their free reign to the ball and chain.
and im not saying that this isnt a good idea.
procreate, thats great.
but why so young, and why so fast.
with all the horrible things going on.
why add more carbon footprints?
and i know about the clock.
and how it ticks.
and how it seems that motherhood is the shit.
just think about 15 years from now.
when you kid is smoking weed in your garage.
or the whole " dont tell mom the babysitters dead" thing happens.
and remember there's no taking your kid to mojos.
or baby bike polo.
no kids at the club.
kids = drama.
dont get me wrong.
kids are the shit.
they are small, little people
that you get to mold into whatever you want.
great.
but shit.
they are forever.
no going back.
maybe im selfish.
and chicken shit.
and rude crude and all that inbetween.
but
atleast
my feet wont swell.