why you frontin when you know you really want it.

lately.
things.
have been moderately normal.
the day to day drudgery.
but something has changed.
ive made friends.
which is all too foreign to me.
ive realized.
as far as close friends,
i have a few.
many of my friends
at no fault but my own.
have fallen to the wayside.
they are out enjoying their lives.
learning new things.
smiling.
talking loudly in crowd of people.
sling glass after glass.
round and round.
and i see them from time to time.
and its always.
"where have you been"
"we miss you"
and for that night we are best friends again.
and we laugh and reminisce and talk about being adults.
and then when its over.
we hug and promise to " do this more"
we stumble back to our part of the world.
and that is it.
and then my married friend.
who i consider one of the best.
for some reason we just cant quite get it together.
we go through phase where we are inseparable.
and then we dont speak for weeks.
when i think about this it hurts.
and yet.
i make no effort to rectify.
adn then my best friend.
who i have seen at least once a week for at least ten years.
for some reason our bond remains strong.
we have held on and grown together.
and still manage to make shit happen.
this in itself amazes the balls off me.
and then my new friends.
who i meet every day.
i sit beside them on the bus.
in class.
these people who i am introduced through him.
these folks who go on nothing but face value.
who feel obligated to make conversation.
and find it worth their while.
those who laugh at my jokes.
and dont even know my last name.
i consider them to be my friends.
as rare as it is.
i find it so hard to open my life up to others.
i am to selfish to give my time away to someone else.
i feel responsible for my loneliness.
my jadedness.
my own social demise.
i feel like i have so much to share and offer and give and learn.
im just waiting for my fear to give way to my want
for others to help me enjoy myself.