because a periods more than a pain.

i just cant quite put my finger on it.
im not sure if its friday.
or today.
or my period.
or what.
but somethings just not right in here.
questions questions questions.

this weekend.
was rough.
well friday.
was rough.

saturday .
was nothing.
i watched trading spouses for almost 12 hours.

sunday.
was better.
redskins.
and.

he made me feel better.
about everything.
everyday.
something.
the way he looked at me.
the things he said.
simple touches glaces sleight of hands.
this weekend he loved smart.

i know what it is.
i need to go to the gym.
i need to run until my legs fall off.
i need to push all of this hostility
out under my feet into the ground.
i need to fucking sweat.
my skin feels tight.
swollen.
i feel like two in one.
and gross.

i cant wait for this part of me to be over.
finally.
this whole kit and kabootle.
out the window.
fresh fresh fresh.
its all i want.
i dream it every night.
its all i want.
i just want change.

i have to come to the realization
that i am not who i want to be.
i have to fix this.
this girl who thinks she know what she wants.
this girl who let her self go.
this girl with out a fucking clue.
and i have to be me for us
and not them.
or him.
but.
who am I if I'm alone?
I hardly exist at all.

let's pretend .
that we don't need anything.
anymore from anyone.
I don't want to feel anything
anymore let's just pretend,

we'll live happily ever after.

i dont think your ready for this jelly.

after quite a bit of in depth thinking.
and years of personal experience.
ive finally come to terms with the fact that.
most humans.
struggle with physical acceptance.
yes.
most, if not all.
this to include as well.
the male species of course.
men worry about how ripped or not ripped.
how long their wang hangs.
hair teeth eyes butt
too.
and yet.
in all my life.
the many men who have disrobed in front of my eyes.
they have never shown an inkling of self consciousness.
me on the other hand.
its was either.
shirt on.
lights off.
sheets up.
that is until.
recently.
in coming with age.
or pleasure.
or acceptance.
or just realizing the fact.
that im not fat.
i find myself unashamed to be.
nude on top of the sheets with all the lights on and windows open.
i am no longer afraid that whats underneath.
my thrift store attire.
would be seen as a swap meet reject.
never have i felt that i wasn't sexy enough to do it.
or fit enough to feel good.
my body's to bootylicious
and its gonna stay that way too.