you gotta do, what you gotta do.

i just found out that one of my coworkers daughters died.
and im planning a trip to Boston.

she was 32.
and morbidly obese.
and died of conjunctive heart failure.
it was her only child.
she has two grandchildren.
its 10:30 am.

this makes me think.
far to early in the morning.
about my life.
and my health.
and how i spent.
3 hours pounding whiskey.
then 24 throwing it up.

and how ive been in a fog.
for 3 weeks.
because ive been baking.
like a fucking Kebbler Elf.

and how i need to get my insides together.
in order to keep my outside intact.
and how i could die.
at any moment.
and how pissed off i would be.
if i did.

last night.
we laid in bed.
and he tried to talk about.
important things.
but i was to stoned to care.

i just laid there.
annoyed that the future.
is all he can fathom.
at 1:11 am.

and so we kissed.
and had sex.
i was high as a kite.
and i watched him.
underneath me.
enjoying himself.
enjoying me.
watching him truly believe.
in this moment.
this passion.
this lust between us.

i felt his hands.
feel different on my skin.
it seemed urgent.
and fleeting.
like if we didnt fuck right then.
right there.
we'd disappear for ever.

and i kissed him.
in hopes that he would come.
but for him this was emotional.
and he said i love you.
kissed me back.
and he came.
and that was that.

anything important.
was stuck to the sheets.
all thats impending.
was skin to skin.
arm around waist.
back to chest.
face to neck.

sometimes he's like a child.
hes needy and wanton.
and i often forget.
that like a child.
you must feed, and nurture men.
rock them back and forth.
give them the nipple, or a bottle, or a toy.

it frequently slips my mind that.
that i am not the only one.
who is afraid of this.

i am not alone in my frustration.
and the politics.
of relationships.

i have to give.
more than i take.
i am selfish and spoiled.
and i am sure.
i will be the end to this.

but that will not come for awhile.
ive got more hell to make.
more lives to take.
more of this man to ruin.

in the meantime.
we travel.

we are going places.

we are going to Thailand.
we are going to DC.
right now.
im planning a trip to Boston.
its for his birthday.
Red Sox.
Marx Brothers.
Freedom Trail.
Bobby Brown?

this should be interesting.
to say the least.

we are in love.
and richmond has been
choking this life out of it.
and has left me no choice.
but to.
packing up this.
big bad love.

and drag around the world.
with me.
till it works.


alicia said...

"i am not alone in my frustration.
and the politics.
of relationships."

You have beautifully and simply explained thoughts that have deeply confused me and filled many, many pages of my journal.

Thank you for sharing.