so this is the new year...

and i dont feel any different.

this is supposed to be a time of reflection.
of starting a new.
refresh.
and yet.
here i am.
no resolutions.
nothing left to resolve.

and of course.
i am sure of.
things that are in need of change.
but still.
i feel no pull.
no shove.
no different.

despite.
searching my life.
for all the things i could change.
i cant find anything new.
that i didnt know before.

i smoke too much.
i spend to much.
i dont see enough.
i dont do enough.

all of these things i know.
and simply because the date has changed.
that doesnt mean i will.

and i have accepted this.
i have issues.
so many.
i need a magazine rack.

and?

so what.
this is me.
i am flawed.
and imperfect.
and difficult.

i am lp.

nothing more.
nothing less.
and nothing will change this.

no matter.
what i say ill do.
or what i commit to let go.

change starts from within.
and i am stubborn as a mule.

kicking and screaming.
i go into this new year.
holding onto my vices.
with a strong grip.

i will not give up.
i will not succumb.
i will not change.

in some aspects i love who i am.
i adore my indiscretions.
i find my imperfections.
perfect.

all these things.
have made me who i am.

i have nothing to hold onto.
but my loves.
my loves for trouble.
and sex.
and fire.
the night.
sin.
confrontation.
attention.
and him.

i love these things.
i have loved them for years.
and i will love them in 2009.

i am who i am.
i have been her for 22 years.

this is who i am.

this is it.