overly sensative

why are my feelings always hurt.

always.

speed and kentucky ham.

spring is here.

and despite.
me spitting venom.
the days have been warm.
and optimistic.

ongoing in my quest to avoid.
choices and decisions.
i have been living my life.
optimizing the daylight.

i wake up early in the morning.
and fall asleep just the same.

time is of the unnecessary.
irrelevant.
i see it all around others.
all these people.
with their times.

not i.

i have taken on a part time job.

i feel like for too long.
i have let my lust for the material.
determine my interior motives.

i have let my want and wonder.
fall askew.

give me give me.
shine shine.
like me like me.
mine mine.

all bullshit.

if i cant fuck it.
i cant afford it.

so fuck it.

focus i will.
on my science.
and my art.
and the weather.

surprised i am.
that the boy.
would agree.
to such and arrangement.

for me.
to be so free.

vagabond.
bon voyage.
speed and kentucky ham.

as if he had any other choice.

this life is mine.
and cultivate, i must.

with all this time.
i must not be idol.
i must not sit and wait.

my mind wandering only to wonder.

skin crawling only to taste.

i am excited.

my limbs feel heavy with potential.
i can feel bonds bending and breaking in my brain.

with this equinox.
i am growing.
coming alive.

all protons.
and neutrons.
and electric.

travlin light.

whatever.

pretty much.
i mean.
like.
im just saying.

all of this.

this.
and that.
and the whats.
and the maybes.

all of this shit.

all this bullshit.
smoke and mirrors
hocust pocus.
prestige.

wool over the eyes.

how naive.
how inhibited.

clever i thought i was.

clever.
and better.

than this.

and yet.
victim i fall pray.

to the same silly games.
fire and ice.

antagonist.
am i.
pushing this further.
playing with fire.
tempting a fate.

dragging this.
and them.
you.
and him.

silly.
shameful.
unnecessary.

said again.

"she is fickle,
and selfish.
she will eat you alive."

consumption.
as of late.
and nights .
without sleep.

such a pattern.
such a trend.

no difference.
except.
perhaps.
circumference.

or maybe not.

still the thought.
lingers.
waiting.

abode.

haunting in the evenings.
yet flakes apart.
at the touch.

all this.
is for whatever.

at least.
i know that much.

trailer trash.

and i shout that
you're all fakes.

and you should've seen the look on your face.















this fucking city man.
i tell ya.

modus operandi.

"Ive been a bad bad girl,
Ive been careless with a delicate man.
And its a sad sad world,
When a girl can break a boy
Just because she can."

a criminal one might say.

my weapons are my words.
and my hips.
my curves.

strangling him with tension.
forced entry into his heart.
raped and left his life.
for dead.

instead.

over the years.
ive been called many names.

a lady.
a tramp.
kind hearted.
evil.
endearing.
nonchalant.

a good time.
but a good time yet had by all.

and i take these.
i place them in places.
i wear them as faces.

facades that mirage.
the culprit under neath.

the girl in the iron mask.
bottle clasp in her hand.
grin and bear.
and its bare and grim.

last night.
i attempted murder.

i tried as hard as i could.
to kill this.

knife to throat.
gun to head.
bella donna in the glass.

i wanted so badly.
to kiss him for the last time.
lay him and this and them.
to rest.

my hand was steady.
but my heart was shaking.
my sweat was warm.
but my feet were ice cold.

so instead.
of bloodshed.

i laid there awake.
beside what i was supposed to be.
my victim.

i touched his skin.
still warm.
blood still pulsing.
his lips still red with life.

i laid there.
all motives.
interior and ulterior.

i whispered.

"i am sorry.
i love you.
and i will love you.
to death.

i will love you till.
the end of the earth.
and the stars.
and the moon.
is all we have left.

ill love you despite.
all the strife and the stress.
i will love you in this life.
and into the next.

i will love you.
with blood on my hands.
and a knife through your chest.
i will love you.
behind bars.
under arrest.

i am a criminal.
and you.
yes.
are my crime.

i will love this.
i will end this.
violently.
all in due time.

good night."

beware the ides of march.

tricky little devils.
lurking in the dark.
shadows of something.
familiar.
a number.
a day.

someones born.
someone dies.
its consistency.

my numbers.
have been dwindling.
as it seems.
so have my days.

ive been spending.
so much time alone.
ive got a selfish routine.
i know it cant last forever.
but i am obsessed.
with this vacancy.
ive been in lately.

ive been moving through spaces.
going through the notions.
forcing myself to react.

in this period.
ive taken up a hobby.
been playing with fire.
peoples emotions.
pushing things towards the edge.

placing it on the tip of my tongue.
and seeing how long it takes to burn.

these people.
that i deal into my games.
all holding their cards.
but im bottom dealing from the deck.

im a hand mucker.
im a home wrecker.
im a shape shifter.
a wildfire.

ive got such bad intentions.
for all of this.
for me.
for them.

i want nothing more.
than to consume.
all i can.

to absorb.
what is left.

i am remorseful.
for my actions.
for my pleasure.
for my disdain.

i am a force of nature.
and the only thing im sure of.
is that its gonna rain.
its gonna rain.

and it never ends.

nostalgia.

in all the free time.
ive had lately.
ive been surrounding myself

with her.

and them.

oh.
and these.

yes.

drinkin again.

might has well.

biology.

the study of life.
as a science.
breaking it down.

intricate.
observance.
of how things work.
and grow.
form.

physical.
psychology.

science.
study.
method.
experimentation.
trial.
constants.

all this.

i wonder how it effects.

someone.
whose life is spent breaking down.
and sifting through.
the human.
existence.

is it possible.
to ever put that aside.

how does one separate.
whats natural.
and proven.
tested.
fact.

from what.
tangible.
and passionate.
and relevant.
whats real.

what happens.
when all this.
everything.
is eventual.
or.
isnt anything.
to you at all.

bending and breaking.
is what we are made of.
all this kinetic energy.
building.
and releasing.

early mornings.
late nights.

processing.
reproducing.
methans.
sulfides.
gin and tonics.
mixed tapes.

his eyes.
the next drink.


when you think.
youve got it all.
mostly.
its just wanting.
what you dont.

all this trial and error.
only leads to.
something relevant right?

slay dragons.
prince?

or should i have expected this.
should i have watched more tv?

this isnt a party.
its a crowd.

so much energy.
in all these molecules.

these reactions.
skin to skin.

face to face.

taste to taste.

im experimenting.
with really feeling.

ill let you know.
how it turns out.

everything eventual.

here we are.
so long ive been heavy.
carrying my weight in days.

a while back.
some may recall.
i made a conscious decision.
to stop making.
decisions.

i put an effort.
into aborting responsibility.

as of today.
i have no job.
i have school.
i have my writing.
and i have this.

my life.
as of late.

i have been a woman consumed.
overwhelmed.
overwrote .
with passion.

i spend my days.
lazy.
and my nights awake.
awaiting.

something is coming.
i keep looking towards the sky.
waiting for something.

for this.

for him.

LOST ramblings... WHO WILL BE MY CONSTANT?

fuck.
lost, man.
ahhhhh.

i have so many things in my head
must get them out.

sorry if i ruin it for any of you.

Ellie the other, from 1954 (jughead) is eloise, faradays mum.
she is a high ranking other. "faraday says she looks like someone he used to know"
she tells him "you just couldnt stay away could you."

faraday was there at the beginning of the orchid station in 1970 in as a darma worker. he can travel thru time, yes. why was he in the orchid station, why is he traveling to 1970, how did he infiltrate darma, why. also his mother is eloise and he can hop in the time vortex like whenever. how did he get back.

charlotte is amys baby. they eventually leave the island. faraday met charlotte when he timetraveled back in 1970, or before and told her not to come back or shell die. she came back. she is dead. faraday was predicting the future, she described him as a crazy man

the bomb, why did richard ask if he came back for it.
this means faraday was there before 1954.

weird.

amy fucks horace, who built the cabin,amy and horace have a baby boy, who is charlottes half brother, who is it? who?
and WHERE IS OLIVIA???
horace died during the purge yes.
horace was there when ben was born and brought him and his dad to the island, yes.

who is the son he had with amy, and why does amy leave the island with charlotte?
is it because of olivia?

WHO HAS THE NECKLACE?

DESMOND?? is Desmond the son??

locke and ben can be brothers. both moms named emily.
both dead.
locke orphan, pregnant teen mom.

kate blah
sun blah

miles is changs son, born on the island where is chang?
did he die in the purge? how did miles get off the island?

locke lost.
jack blah
hurley blah

where is aaron
where is claire

widmore was born on the island? he was a teen there atleast. ben took over thats why they are fighting.

what the fuck is ben doing

everyone on the freighter important and alive

miles
charlotte
faraday

all had been to the island before.
maybe they all left at the same time.
which is why they had to come back at the same time
like 815

maybe they left before the purge on the sub, which is like a freighter only underwater

816 what the fuck

the two new people what the fuck

my brain is going to explode

one week hiatus.


i need a constant.