my big fat lesbian crush.

on

Rachel Maddow.

now everyone knows.
i love the ladies.
over the years i have fallen.
for a plethora of femme fatales.

from Shannon Sossama.
to Fairuza Balk.
to Stevie Nicks
for christ sake.

I love women.

now dont get me wrong.
i like my men as well.
but.
im an equal opportunity lover.

as for now.
there is one hottie.
that makes me wanna flirt with the skirt.

the lovely Miss Maddow.
she has stolen my glances.






in the midst of all the election hoopla.
and despite my burning admiration.
for the entire MSNBC clan.

i find refuge every evening in the sly smile.
of this educated and opinionated female.
dressed in muted colors and a lil blush.

i dont know if its the.
androgynous nature of her personality.
that whole "Boy's Dont Cry" thing.




her Oxford education.
her advocacy work to prevent the spread of HIV.
or the fact that everytime she speaks.
about politics.
about rights.
about anything.
my heart melts.

oh.
and that laugh.

her laugh.
it vibrates all through my soul.
makes me wanna bite the bush.





or.
could it be her love for.
the RED SOX.
Underdog.
Bike riding.
and .
single malt scotch.


what more could i want?

dear god.


this lady makes me moist.
and way gay.

No Rachel, I want You.




<3

CARVE FOR CHANGE!

this is my awesome Obama Pumpkin!
sweet!

I got this awesome pattern at www.yeswecarve.com !

done and done.

i honestly.
dont know how much longer we can do this.
i find myself struggling.
to find reasons to stay.
and you.
and your arrogance.
you shine your light so bright.
and i.
in my defiance.
will do everything in my power to put it out.

how did we get here?
and.
where do we go?

i find myself asking that question all day.
over and over.
this is not the first.
can not be the last.
or is it?

this is survival of the fittest.
kill or be killed.
love or get left behind.

and ive tried.
ive strived.
ive pushed myself to change.
and it seems like anything i do.
everything i am.
is not what im supposed to be.
i am not supposed to be me.

and i just dont understand.
how i let myself get here.
how i let myself fall so far into this.
and you.
as much as i want to be here.
and as much as id like to be her.
i dont think i can.

i twist my words.
and bite my tongue.
toss and turn at night.
my lungs are sore.
my face is blue.
from holding my breath.
till our next fight.


it makes me sick to my stomach.
to think about my life.
different than it is.
sans you.
and yet.
it make me sick to my stomach.
to think about my life.
the same was it has been.
cold and alone.
trying to love someone so hard it hurts.
breaking myself into to pieces.
over my heart.
shedding my skin.
and growing up.
this is real.

im always sitting down.
because i cant stand you.
you and your opinions.
and your remarks.
and me and my fury.
and my teen angst.


leaves us here.
not wanting to say words.
not wanting to lay close.
not wanting to be the first to say.




things are ok.
not great.
not great.
not okay.
getting worse.


and despite all the.
this is what its about.
and sometimes its hard.
and you gotta put in a lil work.

i feel like my work here is done.
and done.
she said.

just show me.
tell me.
make me believe that.
this is it.

i am going to hell.... laughing.

Tupac said it best....

"Although it seems heaven sent, we aint ready to have a Black President"

i am so nervous.
ive been chain smoking.
and chain teaing.
for so long now.

my hands shake.
my lips are numb.
pulse rages.
and i worry.

what if?

i cant fathom the thought.
i know i will be severely depressed.
for weeks.
months.
the next four years actually.
like when Princess Diana died.
and me and my mother stayed on the couch for days.

what if?

i couldnt stand the smug looks on the faces.
of my conservative coworkers.
laughing on the inside.
i will quit my job.

i just want it to be over.
i just want change.
i just want to fucking vote.

if he doesnt.
and if he does.

i dont know what im going to do.
im going to.
im going to flip the fuck out.
thats what im going to do.


pray for us all.

tattoos and nose peircings.

are in my near future.
so close i can feel the needles on my skin.
so.
effing.
stoked.

fuck for fucks sake.

i am lame.
and bored as fuck.
hypebeasting on energy drinks mixed with espresso.
bad idea?

and due to this fucking rad awesome halloween costume.
my bank account is terribly low.
which is a god damn shame.
because my old best friend.
who i havent seen in um lets see... 5 years?
is coming for the day saturday.
and i cant be a broke hoe.

and then.
minus the bear is monday.
which means the bf is gonna be frontin me
some cash money.
love that.
not.

ive got so much to do.
and so much to not do.

oh and yesterday.
i got this cryptic message from
she who shall not be named.
maybe it was a mistake.
but still.
shit is spooky these days.

christmas and anniversaries are afoot.

our 2 year is creepin up behind my ass.
and i cant believe.
that ive slept with the same person.
every day.
for 2 years.
which is :

24 months.
104 weeks.
730 days.
17,531 hours.
1,051, 897 minutes.
63,113,851 seconds.

same face.
same lips.
same hands.
same dick.
same love.

yikes.

but i aint complaining.
its all been worth it.
for the most part.
i think i get it now.
like a fine wine....

oh.
i did this pregnancy test chain letter thing yesterday.
told me if i did it id have a great friday.
let see how this shit pans out....

tittie out like what?

Friday, October 31, 2008 at 9:00pm

Club 534

Richmond, VA



FACE DOWN.
ASS UP.

...you can tell alot about a man by his shoes....

you can tell alot about a man
by his shoes...

where he's been.







where he's going.






<3

champagne high.

when i was younger there was this song.
Champagne High by Sister Hazel.
and its roughly about a guy.
who has to attends the girl he once loved wedding.

at the time.
i just thought the melody and harmony.
was something besides the usual counting crows.
to cry myself to sleep to.
but recently i stumbled across this track.
and it haunts me.
the song isnt even that great.
but its lyrics seem to scream at me.
a fate i feel is far tooo real...

"Champagne High"

I wasn't looking for a lifetime with you
And I never thought it would hurt just to hear
"I do" and "I do"
And I do a number on myself
And all that I thought to be
And you'll be the one
That just left me undone
By my own, hesitation


and for the million hours that we were
well I'll smile and remember it all
then I'll turn and go
while your story's completed mine is a long way from done.

[Chorus]
Well I'm on a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high
I'd toast to the future but that'd be a lie
On a champagne high, high

Spring turned to summer
But then winter turned to mean
The distance seemed right
At the time it was best - to leave
And to leave behind
What I once thought was fine And so real - to me
And while I'm still gone
On the quest for my song
I'm at your - celebration



Your wagons been hitched to a star
Well now he'll be your thing that's new
Yeah what little I have you can borrow
'Cause I'm old and I'm blue...



Well I'm on a champagne high (so high)
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high (so high)
Toast to the future but that'd be a lie
On a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high... high...
So high so high you left me undone
so high, so high you left me undone....

in this.
this top 40s hit about love lost and regret.
i can see myself.
singing this song at his wedding.
on a champagne and whatever else i can find high.
watching him hitch is wagon to a star.
hearing the words "i do"
and i do not want to be in the crowd.
i couldnt fathom the thought of not being his "thing thats new"
this only leads me to believe that
ive got some cleaning up behind myself to do.
so that im not left high and undone, too.

gay monday.

so today i am going to be extremely busy.
not studying.
finalizing my costume.
and aimlessly roaming ebay/etsy.

looking for these:


yessssssssssssssssss.

i am drinking coffee.
i am on my period.
and.
i feel terribly burnt out.
from all the AK47 i smoked this weekend.

yikes.


ps.
REDSKINS are now # 2 in the NFC East.
holy shit.
runnin all up in yo house nigga.
5 and 2, thank you.


pss.

john steward proves how fucking stupid john mccain thinks we all are.
stump this.

black people <3 the irish.

i know.
im terrible.

HUGE FAIL.

see more pwn and owned pictures

weebles wobble but they dont fall down....

yikes.
so many.
non important things.
have been happening.
my days are flying by.
and my stress level is so high.
im really just laying in wait.
for something else to happen.
ive got this audition for Lyrics Ave coming up.
and although my schedule is hectic enough.
i feel like id welcome this into the storm.

i do feel motivated though.
my through all the optimism.
despite each ounce of excitement.
i am constantly frustrated.
and out of my frustration and boredom.
i have been making some strange life choices.

ive got the alter ego.
who does terrible things.
makes terrible choices.
shes degrading and secretive.
i dont know what is to come of her.
but i hope shes not here to stay.
hopefully i can find away to kill her off.
like they did to Nikkie on Heroes.

sometimes.
i am baffled by the way other people just are.
like people who read Parade on like a Thursday.
we all know it comes in the Sunday paper.
why do you still have it?
and why are you so entranced with.
an article about Christian Slater?
why?
or

those who actually feel like
John Mccain isnt going to die
in like 10 minutes.
can you not see his leprosy skin?
his little yellow parana teeth.
or the fact that if he .
doesnt blink every 2 seconds.
his heart will explode?
i guess im the only one.

oh.
and this one.
the fact that you are miserable in a situation.
yet you stay there.
just to make everyone else hate it too.
and those who think that just because they are pushing 30.
they know everything about anything.
and everyone else is always in the wrong.
or stupid.
or an idiot.

and just because.
i dont think that every person in the world is a rasist.
and i dont live my life in fear of the past.
doesnt mean im in a dream world.
it means that im not a dweller.
im not going to sit back .
and be all hum drum .
about the fact that.
america the beautiful.
has an ugly inside.

instead of running for cover.
im gonna wait out the storm.
because i love this fucking weather.

you are afraid.
you blame the rest of the world.
it only takes one.
Jinga, bitch.

i refuse to believe that when i die.
this world will be the same it was when i left.
you on the other hand.
are gonna lay down and die in the dirt.
and that will be you legacy.
your headstone shall read.
"Here Lies A Man Who Didn't Do Shit"
and we will morn the loss of a friend,
a lover, a negative, and coward.
but not sir.
not a Caviler.
get over your self.
and get under a cause.
and please.

keep your pessimism away from my optimism.

beacuse what you fail to realize is.

knowing how the world works.
its not knowing how to work the world.



you fucking dick.

in the bag.

http://www.270towin.com/

shits and giggles.

pretty much.

that new hottness.

so.
i dont listen to alot of music.

aside from my usual staples.
those who i have held true to since like way back.

but lately.
i have been getting busy the following.
sexy- wet- dont just stand there bust a move- women.

you should too.

please meet:

.The Lovely Kissey Asplund.

shes horridly awkward.
and disgustingly talented.
this woman has stolen my fucking breath.
shes from fucking sweden.
and.
shes got this voice that makes me want to
cry/smile/fuck/jump in the bathtub with a toaster.
and looks tooo much like my mother.
DONT SLEEP ON THIS.
she is awesome.




.THE JimiJames.




the wild card.
this girl is the jimmy jam.
her music is something different and too fresh.
like a pack of Camel Crushes.
shez been blown up spotz all ova for yearz.
and has the most beautiful teeth ive ever seen.
and thats the truth.





.SARAH WHITE.




so basically.
i want to be her when i grow up.
she is a multifaceted, front and center, creative mastermind.
one of the heartbeats behind
wronglips blog.
which is kinda like my bible.
as well as being a marvelous vocalist.
whose harmonies have been likened to other divadeluxes of our time.
i am obsessed.
she makes me want to leap off the tallest building i can find
in hopes of being reincarnated in her likeness.
simply put.



.J Davey.





duh.
get with it.




.Miss Karma Steward.



this women is full of soul and smoothness.
she has a crazy powerful voice and also dabbles in theater and big band music.
not to mention her recent join with PPP
to put out one of the hottest jointz of the 08izzle.
so fucking fly.

please.
get on their level.

light at the end of the tunnel.

where is it.

keith olbermann, do me please.

i wont tell.

if you don't.

<3

gimmie gimmie more.

my birthday is coming up.
soon.
very soon.

NOVEMBER 16TH

almost one month away.
almost.
22.
deuce deuces everywhere.

so far my dream weekend would consist of:

friday
sex toy party hosted by long lost acting school buddy.



saturday
huge rager.
a head banger.
a "leave you in the street left for dead" dance party.




sunday
RESKINS smash Dallas.
LIVE.
30 yard line what what.

maybe.
maybe.
maybe.
please.
please.
please.

best bet is.
ill get alot of presents.
get drunk.
get laid.
and eat good food.
and
OBAMA WINNING THE FUCKING ELECTION.

that would be cool too.

comes highly recommended.

first things first.

oh yeh.

besides that glory.
this weekend was full of revelations and reassurances.
the first being:

right here.
right now.
is exactly where i need to be.
after years of pulling and prodding.
fussing and fighting.
kicking and screaming.
im finally finished.
done and done.
i have settled in my skin.
and i am ready to move forward.
with my life.
and.
my decisions.
despite all my constant complaining.
and rearranging.

the single best thing to happen to me in my entire lifetime is him.
yes.

i have no idea where or who.
for that matter.
i would be if i hadn't met him.
actually.

i know exactly where id be.

id still be right there.
being that girl.
doing those things.
thats where.
all alone.
in reverse.

now im here.
being a big girl.
doing big girl things.
moving forward.
and it feels real.

and as much as i love a good distraction.
and as much as i revel in a wonderful disaster.
i no longer have the patience or the taste.
to wait on defeat.

this .
is .
it.

all part and partial.

and.
as much as i feel like
im losing myself.
and.
ive turned into
my worst enemy.
and.
i am everything
i never thought i was.
the best and worst .
of my generation.
disintegrating.

yet.
finally.
finally.
finally.
i am completely satisfied.
spending the rest of my life.
under the knife.
under the thumb.
loved and in love.
with or with out.
making myself better.
for the worst.
falling asleep next to my future.
secure.


this is exactly where im supposed to be.

feed your head.

consuming vigorously:

yes.

over it and into myself.

i.
stayed up
way to late
last night.
but
it was totally worth it.
the
RED SOX won.
even with out his lucky shirt.

so this morning i woke up.
the usual.
blackberry. uffie. 6:50.
snooze once.
snooze twice.
snooze thrice.
so i called in.
ill be late.
i slept till nine.
it was great.

now here i am.
at le job.
sitting.
staring.
glaring.
actually.
into cyberspace.
nothing to do.
i like to pretend that i am busy.
i shuffle papers around.
walk back and forth from the copier.
stare really hard at my screen.
like im perplexed with something.
other than facebook.
but im not.
i aint doin shit.
i have homework
i could should wont be doing.

last nite was my gays birthday.
acting in the proper asshole fashion that he does.
he calls me 30 minutes into their dinner.
and expects me to join.
me acting in the usual "oh no he didnt" fashion.
kept my black ass at home.
oh well.
maybe im a jerk.
maybe im selfish.
maybe, just maybe im a vindictive bitch.
but atleast im nobody's pawn.
please.
get with it.

as far as this weekend goes.
ive got some things lined up.
im gonna go Rock for Barack.
then maybe go help a friend with a project.
then maybe just maybe.
first friday dance party.
maybe.
i was inclined to
sit back and not do a damn thing.
toke out.
and watch.
Ms. Pettigrew Lives for a Day.
maybe catch up on my Entourage.
make some ugly art.
to not hang on my blank walls.
not leave the house.
eat mexican take out.
cry a lil.
you know.
the usual.

sometimes i feel awkward.
sometime i feel stupid and uncool.
sometime i dont mind that at all.
eat that.

wonton, needy, spoiled rotten, poor little bitch.

dammit.
i cant find anything.
where is my sewing machine?
where are you?



oh.
wait.
i know where you are.
you are in a check to Jupiter Realty.
thats where you are.

i am going to stop paying my rent so i can sew all day and make shit like this:





i may be homeless.
but thats so in right now.
fuck a home.
i want to look fabulous.



but before i do.
i am also in the process of mentally and emotionally decorating my loft.
i feel disconnected.
like im just moving in a space.
and not actually living there.
i need blood rushing.
air moving.
i need things on the walls.
everywhere.
hanging. dangling.shining.





everywhere.
ticking tocking burning breathing





everywhere.

i want to wake up and be inside of someone elses mind.
others eyes everywhere everywhere.

this is it.
i want it all and i want it now.
i want it now.
this is my life.
constantly grasping at straws.
trying to find the needle in the haystack.
i want i want i want
me me me.
chin up.
hand out.

its shit like this....

Oregon school says 4 confessed to Obama effigy

NEWBERG, Ore. - A Christian university in Oregon said Tuesday it has punished four students who confessed to hanging a likeness of Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama from a tree on campus.Felton said the university's own investigation led to the four students. "To the best of our knowledge these are the only people involved," he said. "We're not pursuing it any further." The commercially produced cardboard cutout of Obama was hung from a tree last week with fishing line around the neck. A message taped to the cutout read, "Act Six reject." That refers to a scholarship and leadership program for minority and low-income student leaders at Christian colleges primarily located in the Northwest.


and this...

Police: Teen killed woman for beer money
16-year-old faces murder charge in slaying of Florida woman

PALM BAY, Fla. - A 16-year-old boy slashed a woman to death and used the $6 he stole from her to buy beer, police allege.The woman was found in her bed with her throat cut and multiple stab wounds in her neck.

A witness told police that because Tanguay is too young to buy alcohol, he asked someone to buy him beer with the money he stole.

oh and dont forget this....

Human remains found in home freezer
Woman arrested, says they're the bodies of her two adopted daughters

PRINCE FREDERICK, Md. - A woman told police that the bodies of her two adopted daughters have been in a freezer for at least seven months in her southern Maryland home, and police discovered human remains there encased in ice, officials said Monday.But police said they cannot be sure the remains are of the two girls, ages 9 and 11, until autopsies are performed.






that makes me wonder.
when am i going to hit the switch?

greatest country on earth my ass.