CIG FREE DAY 3- IRONY

out of all the days id choose to inhale.
today would be the day.
i actually took out my last snog.
sniffed it deep.
then put it away.
but oh what id give
to give in.
on this hell of motherfucking
so comical.
so humorous.
jagged little ironic
shitty ass day.
i find it familiarly funny.
how getting your hopes high.
only brings spirits lower.
ghostly recollections from past misconceptions.
its so stupid.
yet it seems.
my hearts feeling optimistic
but my skins screaming at the seams.
i dunno
what im going to do and i know its not that hard.
i feel bombarded with questions answers bruises scars.
im just ready.
one thing in another thing out.
im ready to get over this and under him
it down and settle in under his skin.
im gonna get through this rough patch no matter how tightly sewn.
ive got options.
that ive always known.
i can go this way or that.
up or around.
stand up or sit down.
its my life my body my heart my soul.
treat it like a temple or whore it till its sold.
my lungs might be iron.
but my will is too.
so i guess im excited.
to feel new and smell fresh.
to begin again.
again.
this time for real.
i guess once it happens
once we make that big move.
ill be able to take everything out of my head and lay it down in front of us both.
and we can piece together this jigsaw of thought.
i guess once im settled
and i can finally breathe
hopefully we can roll up our sleeves
dig deep into each other again.
pulling out the weed
rotating the crops.
they may have the land
but we’ve got the view.
and its blue skies.
fresh lungs.
and deep love.
smooth sailing.
with him at the bow.

me at the stern.

CIG FREE DAY 2

so i started my period.
and im a raging bitchwhoremonsterkillercunt.
and all i want to do.
is tell the world to eat a dick
screw your agenda
take off this stupid monkey suit
put my feet on my desk
and spark a joe camel wide.
suck it down like a slurpee
oh a hot day in july.
i want to eat my turkey sandwich thats been in the fridge for 2 days.
i want to eat doritos.
i want to say fuck my second job and go home
and cuddle with people and animals.
and not have to smile.
and have him tell me
im cute when i pout.
and im hott when i bleed.
and im not when i smoke anything but trees.
i want to kick everything i see.
id probally punch you in the face.
i want to run to the top of the stupid capital buliding
straight into the office of tim cunt kaine disgrace.
and pull my bloody tampon out and shove it inbetween his huge eyebrows
on his stupid face
i want to almost forgive phillip morris for all the pollutions and shit they are shoving into my water
and walk across the street and buy a carton of reds and smoke them one by one until some one calls the fire department
for a five alarm on the corner of main and 12th.
lil black girl clouded like linus with smoke
and id just light up another and toke.
ill smoke until my hair is gray.
my teeth are dull
and my face is red.
ill smoke smoke smoke till im dead!
this is only day 2.
tommorow ill chew gum.

.OLD HABITS DIE YOUNG.

sometimes i just dont understand.
i feel like i want to scream out your eardrums.
and you just laugh.

theres nothing funny.
this isnt a joke at all.
you dont understand.

you are my downfall.

im trying.
im learning.
but i dont think this is the way.
i have to live my life myself.
and not for other people.
family lover friend or foe.
i have to do me.
thats all i know.
i tend to be emotional.
irrational.
rash blunt rude crude
im the truth.
and the truth hurt.
im life
and life is hard.
im love.
and love is pain.
can you feel it.
does it keep you up at night.
does your breathing get short.
your sweat white hot.
that me.
the itch you cant scratch.
i want to make you suffer
i want you to understand my rapture is mine to share.
to spread the wealth she doesnt have.
yes im selfish
yes im mean
yes im hard to get along with.
but fuck thats me.
i have bad habits
and panic attacks.
hidden behind a beautiful smile.
and crazy antics.
but thats not all.
you know i am and who im trying to be.
hiding behind close door what they dont see.
it hard to break and shake.
soften.
but your the one.
this i know is true.
old habits die hard.
and maybe i will too.

.black being.

the majority
have no idea
what it means to be black
to be black and a woman.
to be black from a background shaded with sin.
the lines colored outwards and within.
the child of a junkie
with the heart of a saint.
born to a world
of graduate and negate.
to learn from the tv to love and to hate
to resent whats on the outside
then learn to appreciate.
you.
have no idea.
to be in between the cracks
a house
loved but abused
to be as a child
bent and used
to long for attention
for any sane means
to be that one person
to all thats seen.
ive tried to suppress it
to be what you want
but my life is no longer in that perfect font
the realizum of the world has stricken me hold
and im now made to stand up and face the white world
and say
i am
and i am proud
and i am scared
but i wont break down
im tried
being mis read
threw down and washed up
i wont be used.
it time for us.
together stand.
for all of those
who feel bruised.
this time.
I WONT BE USED.
or stereotyped or recreated
done and faded
be you be you be you be you be you be you

reject for pleasure.

im pretty sure.
fairly certain.
slowly i have begun to go vague.
gray.
over these past few days.
after the weeks had past.
the thought drifted.
vices turned to victories.
after the nights.
of instant repetition.
verbatim.
versatile.
after those days.
those nights.
i still feel.
jaded.
changed.
unaware.
and at times i can escape this hate.
yet still it brews.
simmers.
stews.

right time.
wrong face.

this city.
owns me.
shows me.

exactly.
different faces they change.
they become the same.
gray.
blur the lines.
between
friends and enemies.

this city.
full of those who know the way.
the way this goes.
full to the brim.
stirring the pot.
heavy on the salt.

this city.
pulls me in.

its all quiet possible.
that in this wonderful city.
all these wonderful people.
with all their wonderful secrets.
and magnificent beats.
all these people.
dont even see past the sheets.

i highly doubt any of them understand.
how much it take.
to be to far to go.
how long it will be.
before they really can tell.
which ways
what.
and all this.
sing and shouting.
and dancing in the streets.
all this is for nothing.
preaching to the choir.
a canary that wont sing.

right time.
wrong place.
this city.
grows on me.
despite my own disgrace.
leaves me.
opened.
folded.
and discarded.

IVE GOT SOME THINGS TO SAY

ive got some thing to tell you
ive got some words to say
and it seems like i havent been able to express them
atleast until today.
to a variety of people.
persons.
all the same.
those who possibly have known me in other lives.
called me by different names.
i dont think i spoken clearly
or maybe you didnt hear.
ive been growing up and changing
the things you say
go ear to ear.
i dont mean to be rude.
or seem like i dont care
but you arent the same as yesterday
and for that reason
i steer clear.
of those who dont respect me
and those who dont understand
those who feed the needy
and those who are just looking for a hand
or a man.
im not the kind to stutter.
so i
shut her in.
tune them out.
but it seems like theres too much to say.
im trying to formulate my words.
to bring emotions to sway.
ive never felt so underrated.
never been so ill prepared
never thought i wasnt worthy
privileged.
now
i just dont care.
i want to go to africa
i want to pull out my hair.
i want to lay with strangers
speaking tongues and singing swears.
i want to be everywhere.
all at once.
but with him


i realize what i have.
in front of my face.
despite my poison tongue.
the venom and the bite.
are worst that the bark begun.
of course
my mind thinks it fun
and fundamental
my mind thinks it right.
to bring along with you
the pain.
to underestimate the strife.


and you think your life is perfect.
yet when you reach to hit the light.
its only your hand on the trigger.
your alone.
under the knife.
and although im trying not to judge.
for some reason
i think it serves you right
dont take for granted what you have
because you never know
who wants what youve got
or who needs what you dont
or who isnt who they are.
or who dont when you do.
the list goes on.

i think its easy to just forget
drop it in the bottom of a bottle
throw u it in the drink
and let it swallow it away
even thought at the end
your mind is filled with waves.
of things you wanted to say.
"i wish you would have let me"
"i guess i should have stayed"
"play that song one more time"
"you never knew me anyway"
we live and learn
and pass the buck.
pretend we dont give a fuck.
they do. i do
its you i see right through.
it me who cant concede.
its me who wont deny.
im glad i got this off.
it feels better to just let it go.
im working on forget and forlorn.
im speaking out of context
dead dialects.

keep all options open.
flags pointed east and west.
follow where winds and opinions sway.
keep you hands clean.
eyes wide.
ears open.
because ive got some things to say.