wine me, dine me.

ah.
wine.
turkey.
god.
i love the burg.
from its silent streets.

to its seven hills.
as i plaster myself.
to the edge.
of the living room couch.
unfortunately.
in this desolate.
jesus fearing.
seven hill city of a town.
the hardest thing to find.
is a strong signal.

tonite i feel like.
i proved myself.
i showed my growth.
maturity.
through a delicious corn pudding.
and a.
homemade.
stepmother secret
sweet potato pie.
i showed my stability.
by the just the right amount of
cinnamon.
in my candied yams.
by the crunch
of the potato salad.

all those who have come.
to expect the unexpected.
found passion
and honestly.
and responsible.
formed through clever phases.
excitement.
doubt.

and yet.

my family is amazing.
and intricate.
interesting.
they embrace me.
and find me intriguing.
they feed me probing questions.
how strange it is.
years from how we thought we would be.
preconceived notions start deep.
in the blood.
but some how its different.
sometimes.
i think i understand.
all this.
all.
this.
all this
too much.
it kind of takes the fun out of it all.

and sometimes.
i wonder.
whats the difference between this.
or that.
or what makes you a family.
its it the blood.
or the heart.
or the mindfacesoul.
what is it.
that makes this.
all of this.
and that.
a family.

sometimes i feel like.
im me.
and im the only one who knows it.
and that this is it.
and ive finally found.
the only way to show them.

and him.
what about him.
who is this man.
some nights.
the warmth.
he.
i am thankful for.
his breath.
his touch.
his.
heart.
this man.
whos love is only replicated.
in praise or pose.
this man.
who puts a.
comma splice.
between my common sense.
a false sense of security.
to mask the blatant obscurity .
of this situation.
a life time of patience.
giving way to giving in.
the push.
the pull.
life.
finding its way to.
the middle.

balance.

subject.
growth.

with all the terror .
and horror.
and detestation in our lives.
the one thing.
i fear most.
is life.
without.
them.
and
him.
and this.
and those.
ah,
then.

and.
this.

i am thankful.
truly fucking thankful.
to have.
love.
it takes over my life.
love has changed it all.
big.
bad.
love.
flipped the script.
love for.
my family of friends.
and my friends.
that i love.
and my love.
thats my friend.

this.
is.
it.

thank you.

He went to Jareds!

just kidding.
but he did buy me flowers.

good boy.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

whats with today, today.

ah.
oh.
today.
is our 2 year anniversary.
and as much as id like to believe.
that we are one of those couples.
who go out to fancy dinners.
and by cards.
and flowers and shit.
after two years i have come to the realization.
and satisfaction.
that we arent.
we dont try to hard.
we dont make mountains out of molehills.
we fuck and make up.
we watch movies.
and eat food.
we hate thing.
we go places.
we just love each other.
we are best friends.
and hes the best.
two years long.
two years strong.


i cant wait to go home.
well im kinda torn between.
staying in my house.
cooking my own dinner.
alone.
and going home and relishing in the warmth.
and kindness of my family.
im takin the dogs home with me.
which is a holy monumental feat for the boy.
i cant believe hes gonna let me take the babies away.
i on the other hand.
am frickin stoked.
i know that they will love the cold Lynchburg air.
and all the free space to run and play a poop.
i can smell it now.

i think i need to go home.
clear my head.
hang out.
chill in.
eat.
eat.
eat.

i was going through some old myspace.
messages the other day.
like way back.
like 2004.
before i moved to the city.
and before i knew how to conduct
myself like a real lady.
i realized how stupid.
and naive.
and redundant i was.
i tried to hard.
and it showed.
oh well.

now im older.
and wiser.
and flyer.
than ever before.
and ive got great feelings about
LP 2009.
i think its going to wonderful.

volcano.
im still excited.

ps

im going to thailand.

but shhh...
its a secret.

Ive got so many things to write about.
my head is bursting with thoughts.
and ideas.
and emotions galore.
ive been very busy.
and its not stopping.
ill have to finish this later.

shapeshifter.

i watch this.
going over.
changing places.
turning around into something new.

i watch this.
run from one corner to the other.
shifting in its skin.
bursting into bloom.
cowering from with in.
waiting.

i watch this.
lose all hope and fall aside.
stranded.
learning to communicate
with languages that are innate.

im breathing.
pressing life into you.
pushing myself so deep with in this.
i feel bones and spirit and heart.
giving.
and.
bending.
and.
splitting.
all that i am in to shards.
to share.

between the two.
of them.
theres nothing left.
behind closed eyes
its as bright as it was
when we left.
in front of your face.
is too close to call.
underneath your skin.
it were the chips will fall.
as they may.

this is absent of malice.
this is unintentionally crude.
forgive me for my silence.
and what shall be left in its wake.
this is underestimated renouncement.
never ending.
give and take.

phat beatz

I want to dj.
I think the whole world needs to get down
to the shit I jam to in my head.
You just fuckin wait.
LP 09
Blowin up spots like 911.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

i dont want to grow up. im a toys r us kid.

back on my grind today.
after spending all of yesterday.
lounging around the apartments.
sniffling and sulking.
i did get to watch Dr. Phil.
which always makes me happy.
im at about 70% today.
but im here.
doing what i do.
trying to smile through the sore throat.

my life is starting to really frustrate me.
it just seems like i have something.
and then i dont.
or as soon as i get ahead.
i get shoved back.
and even though i feel this way everyday.
it seems like i have to talk about it.
to keep my head from exploding.

lately.
ive been doing relationship stuff.
like paying for his car to get fixed.
and organizing the bills.
it makes me feel old.
as shit.
and how much i envy the lives.
of my vampire friends.
who are so detached.
i remember the days when i could care less about sleep.
and now it seems like thats all i want to do.
there are nights ive chosen sleep over sex.
and i love sex.

i dont know what has come over me.
i thought with a new age.
id find new things about myself.
new things that would make me a new person.
but instead it seems like its new responsibilities.
and new trials and tribulations.
new reasons to complain.

anywho.
his mother is coming this weekend.
and i love her.
she is very sweet.
and very kind.
and very foreign.
and he loves her so much.
which is nice to see him so happy.
i met her for the first time.
this time last year.
i went home with him for Thanksgiving.
which was awesome.
his family is great.
alot like mine.
laid back.
and fun.

but for this year.
im going to the Burg.
as ive gotten older i appreciate.
Lynchburg more and more.
now i use it as an escape.
its like i can go there .
and be free of everything.
and everyone.
and no body knows im there.
and nobody can find me.

exactly where i want to be.
and its warm.
and there's my family.
and they love me.
just the same.

i cant wait.

i honestly thought about not going.
and just staying home.
and keeping to myself.
cooking a lil dinner.
hanging with the dogs.
in solitude.
but then.
i thought about the fact.
that im sure.
mid way into a Full House marathon.
with a face full of over cooked turkey.
id burst into tears.
and sob all over my cranberry sauce.
i am way to emotional to spend the holidays alone.

when it comes to christmas.
im hoping he will come with me.
even though it seems like.
the only gifts we are giving each other.
is a head ache.
and maybe on some occasions some head.
which.
speaking of head.
i dont understand.
what has become of my libido.
there are days in my life.
where all i think about it cock.
thats all.
it doesnt matter what kind it is.
what shape color size.
i just want it.
and i come home.
and its there.
and thats great.
and then there are those days.
when i would touch it with a ten foot pole.
and i come home.
and its there.
and that sucks.
and then there are the days in between.
where ive chosen to wack off.
instead of get off.
or the days were ill give a hj here.
a bj there.
and call it quits.

now.
i have no problem with bjs.
or hjs.
i think its a vital part of any relationship.
Kat William said so.
but i just want to want to have sex.
like i used to.
and its not that im not attracted to him.
he fucking gorgoues.
incredibally sexy.
and has the hands of a god.
but.
i still feel like the urge.
the need.
that raw.
i want to rip your clothes off.
and lick every inch of your body.
emotion is hit or miss.
i just want him to fuck me.
simple as that.
no romance.
none of that sissy ass bullshit.
just fucking fuck me.

all i want for christmas is to cum.

so this is how i die.

so this is how it ends.
a box of Kleenex in one hand.
echinacea tea in the other.
tears in both eyes.
and a bad attitude.

i am a horrible sick person.
i wine.
i moan.
i pout and cry.
i roll around in my own snot and what not.
until im sticky and smelly and cant stand the site of myself.

my head feels like a ive got the harlem globetrotters bouncing around.
and my nose is raw and itchy.
my throat is swollen.
and its cold outside.
and i am on the verge of death.

i feel it creeping up.
chills.
shakes.

this shall be the death of me.

make like nike, and just do it.

um.
so here it is.
22.

besides the fact that i woke up today.
too early
with vaginal cramps.
a hangover.
and what im sure is the flu.
or mono.
or both.

i didnt feel a thing.

not older.
certainly not wiser.

my birthday was lovely.
i saw smiles everywhere.
my girls were great.
my boys were even better.
now if only i remembered it all.

so what do i do at 22?
what do i do now.
do i make it happen?
do i take a wrong turn?
do i sit back and wait for this to pass?

this life of mine is hilarious.
its full of awkward events.
and bad decisions.
and funny saying.
and silly faces.

my life is over flowing with.
drunken adjectives.
avoided topics.
underestimated advances.
warm hands.
cold feet.

this life of mine.
cant wait to begin.
it cant wait to grow legs and walk away.
it want to shake hands.
and kiss babies.
the life wants to phone it in.
and turn it out.

this life is going to change the game.
flip the switch.
make niggaz look twice.
grab they ice.

this life of mine can hardly wait to.
kiss on the mouth.
to hit it home
the life cant wait to change.
to stay the same.
cant wait for you or him or me.

this life is independently owned.
this life is sweatshop free.
this life is alive.

hello.
lets begin.

now thats what im talking about.

oh snap.


holla at them big girl birthday presents.

so.
my boyfriend is sneaky.
sneaky sneaky.
this whole week hes been talking about
how he got me
the best thing ever.
and
how hes the best.
and
how excited im going to be.

so sunday he was gone allll day.
all day.
where?
i had no idea.
and all week.
and hes been sneakin around.
running out and dropping things off.

so yesterday.
he tells me hes going to take me to class early.
so.
he picks me up from work
and drops me off at my 7 pm class.
at like 6: 05.
speeeeeds away.

so im like.
alright.

go to class.
come home.

he says you cant go in the bedroom yet. ive got to put away some presents.

yeah, okay.

so he comes out.

closes your eyes, he says.

he proceeds to wrap a scarf around my eyes.
and leads me into the bedroom.

open your eyes!


fuck yes.

he bought me a bed!

not just any bed.
the bed ive been wanting.
pining over.
dreaming about.
my ikea dream.

a beautiful cast iron bed frame.
new amazing mattress set.
and a gorgeous bed set.
with a bed skirt for christ sake.

holy shit.

now i think you must understand.

you see.
for the duration of our 2 year relationship.
we have been kickin it straight richmond style.
cuddling close on a beat up.
beat down.
terrible, horrible, old mattress.
on the floor.
this mattress.
which he has had for years.
had seen its fair share of use.
from his other girlfriends.
his hook ups.
to friends.
and dogs.
and god knows what else.

it hurt his back.
sank in the middle.
leaned to the left.
and was defiantly on its last leg.

and me.
being the woman i am.
just wanted a nice.
new.
fluffy.
comfortable bed.
with a cast iron frame.
swedish design.
with 10 pillows.
and soft sheets.
to laying in.
and.
love in.

so when i opened my eyes.
to the best birthday gift ever.
i must say.
i was pleasantly surprised.

last night i slept like a baby.
in my new bed.
with my old man.
and a big smile.

i love my life.

your killin me smalls.

i am murderously bored.
yesterday.
i did nothing.
at all.
i sat at my desk.
played on the internet.
cried a lil.
you know.
the usu.
if the internet is such a vast.
source of information.
why do i spend so much time .
on facebook?

so the birthday.
after months of keeping my fingers crossed.
and holding my breathe.
its finally here.

and i am freaking out.
all these thing are falling together.
and falling apart.
and i just want to have a good time.
i just want to put my freakum dress on.
and shake my ass.

that is all.

after friday nite i think ill be able to breathe a lil better.
i just want this sex toy party to go over well.
im shakin in my boots.

as far as saturday goes.
after all the hustle and bussle.
the mess and b.s.
im determined to have a good time.
im going to drink.
and laugh.
and smile.
and be with friends.
and enjoy myself.
im hoping for the best.

posi vibes.

and sunday.
the offical birthday.
will be spent at home.
with the boy.
and the dogs.
and the redskins.
and cake .
and presents.
and a hangover.
i cant wait.

i am turning 22.
and.
my boobs are high.
my ass it tight.
and.
my hair looks faaaaaaabulous.

LAUREN & BECKAZ DEUCEDEUCE GET LOOSE ON THE JOOSE BIRTHDAY RAGER

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!
COME RAGE!
DANCE TILL YOU DIE!
DRINK TILL YOU CRY!

DONT SLEEP ON THIS EPIC EVENT.

SATURDAY

THE CAMEL
10PM

queen for a day.

where is my birthday!
god i cant wait.
im going to freak.
hurry.
hurry.
hurry.
i love presents.
i love smiling.
i love me.
and cake.
and fun.

and excuses to.
drink champagne.
and be needy.


me me me me me

Lauren Paige's Sexy Lady Sex Toy Party.

LADIEZZZZ ONLY!!!





there will be sushi and wine and sex toys galore!

bitches are stupid.

they are.
really.
and i can say that because i am a Bitch.
but not a stupid one.

you see.

i find myself going out of my way.
to call a Bitch out on her stupidity.
and not in a Stupid Bitch way.
but in a subtle.
sophisticated.
educated.
" like omg, I think that Bitch was being a Bitch" kinda way.

sometimes i just laugh at them.
and then other time i just walk away.
mid Stupid Bitch sentence.

and ive always dealt with Stupid Bitches.
when i was younger
i used to get right uppity with them.
get in their faces.
waves my finger.
snap and slap.

but as i have grown older.
moved from town to town.
i find dealing with stupid bitches
a much easier task.

especially the Richmond Stupid Bitch.
who comes in all shapes and sizes.

from the "Frat Girl Slut" Stupid Bitch^TM.
to the "Hipster" Stupid Bitch^TM.
the"Omg you looked like me in 10th grade, Wanna Be" Stupid Bitch^TM.
oh and the "I work at the VCU Subway" Stupid Bitch^TM.
or the "Ghetto on the number 6 Bus" Stupid Bitch^TM.

they are everywhere.

As of late.
modus operandi with a stupid bitch.
has been to get em where it hurts.
Regina George style.
Ive been digging in the dirt.
and coming up with all sorts of amazing
Anti Stupid Bitch tools.

Those which i cannot divulge .
for jeopardy of compromising my Stupid Bitch war.

but rest assured that they are tactful and efficient.
And dont get me wrong.
Some of my best bitches are the stupid ones.
but if you cant differentiate between.
a Smart Bitch.
and.
a Stupid one.

then you are probably the latter.

just sayin.

reincarnation.

sometimes i dream im dying.

and then in my dreams i am awakened.
refreshed.
renewed.

crisp and pleated.





colorful and asymmetrical.



clothes to me are a love/hate relationship

i love them because they hold my skin.
they show my soul.
they reflect what words and blogs and myspace cant.
they are the ultimate mode of expression.



and yet i loathe.
for me.
fickle and cheap.
always trying to retain the unsustainable.
living under and above my means.
never inbetween.

out of all the outfits.
that i once saw fit to be.
in all the closet ive begged borrowed and stole.
all the shoes ive worn down to the soul.


there are so many fashions.
i will never attain.
and so many that i love for a day.
then throw away.

i cant quite seem to put my finger on
well,
me.

who i am.
is held together with a whip stitch.





just the same as i constantly search for myself.
i am constantly searching for a representative of myself.



i want to be able to throw myself over my shoulder
to go to class.
i want to be able to wiggle myself into
a nice straightleged, dark denim me.
i need a warm LP to wear out on the winter nights.
or a soft silky me to slip into by the fire.

something.
anything.
that fits me just right.

i
as a women.
as a fashion.
am nothing if not practical.
i need to be able to blend and bend.



i want it to be simple.
and separate.



muted and brilliant.


character efficient.



visual affective.


and
way below retail price.



as i reach into my wardrobe.
rummage and ravage through cotton/polyester blends.
those old scraps of who i used to be.
scream and shout back.
they say things.
and
as they find their way from hanger to the floor.
i find myself still reaching rummaging ravaging for more.
something different.
brighter.
duller.
longer.
shorter.
tighter.
looser.
a hat.
a scarf.
gloves.

all these things i yearn for to make myself complete.
all of these things my wallet breaks for.
as my common sense and sensibility.
shakes its head in defeat.

If
I die before i wake.
I pray to Lord.
My clothes, dont take.

.THIS IS IT.

im ready.
i dont think anyone understands.
how this feels.

this is different.
this is powerful.
to try and dismiss this a just a chance.
a flash in the pan.
to try to shade this.
this is real life.
this is everything i have based my hopes and dreams upon.
its not just about race.
its about change.
its about hope.
and wishing.
last night i closed my eyes so tight and held my breath like a child.
i was overwhelmed with emotion.
and soaked to the bone with tears.
this is it.

for all the times in my life.
i have never been more proud to be where i am.
in this commonwealth that can come together over a common good.
to move these black and white mountains.
and clear space for hope.

this is a defining moment of our generation.
this is where we begin.
this is the first day.
of the rest of our lives.

this is it.

YOU CAN VOTE HOWEVER YOU LIKE!

.AWESOME.

holla atcha boy.

please.

dont forget.
dont take this lightly.
use your right to choose.
make a choice.
make a change.

i voted for change today.
i voted to put the past away.
i voted to write the books.
i voted to be in history.
i voted for change.

America, surprise us.
And let a black man guide us.

unbeweavable.

so the time has come again.

for me to break away from my oh so natural, mother of the earth type ways.
and covering up my head with a new head of hair.
but this season which weave should i weft?
with so many selections
which weave suites me best?

The Beyonce?

maybe the Amy Winehouse?

The Pam Grier

The Rhianna

or The Tyra?

just wait and see which weave I pick for me!